April 17, 2007

I just love it when I am proven right. Even if the prediction takes 20 years to come true.

The ad on the Toto website promises that consumers are in for “an experience beyond words.”

They’re not kidding.

On the company’s website, it says that Toto Ltd’s Z Series Neorest toilet, offers the worlds first auto fragrance release system and stereo music system, providing different scents and music depending on the season of the year.

Did you get that, Ladies and Gentlemen? The Series Z is a toilet. A loo. A potty.

The Z series has a seat warmer that can be turned on and set to the desired temperature by, I kid you not, a remote control device.

As if we don’t already have enough remotes lying around on the coffee table. My worry would be that I might pull out the potty remote and confuse it with the one for my TV, or vice versa. That could result in a TV that unexpectedly goes directly to an All-Limbaugh network, or a toilet that produces its own crap.

You can’t make this stuff up, you know. There are rules.

The Toto is a pioneer of high-tech toilets with built-in bidets, very popular in Japan, and gaining ground here. Of course, their popularity is largely limited to those with tons of disposable income. Not surprising…they cost between $3,000 to nearly $6,000.

“The Z series features a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, a “tornado wash” flush, and a lid that opens and closes automatically,” The BBC reports.

In 1988, when I first wrote about the Toto robopotty, I was skeptical.

I know, I sound like I’m anti-technology, but I’m not. When the Wright brothers were working on their airplane, people said “if man were meant to fly, God would have given him wings.”

I like gadgets as much as the next guy. But I don’t want them getting too personal. If man were meant to have his nether parts pampered by a flushable computer, ummmm. I dunno WHAT God would have had in mind.

Here’s what I wrote all those years ago: This device, sort of a W.C. married to a P.C., features a seat that is cleaned automatically between uses, preheated to a temperature that you tell the computer you prefer. But get this: once you have sat down and finished your business, you push a button and a little mechanical arm slips out from down there somewhere, washes your hindquarters, dries you with a blast of hot air…then touches you up with a touch of perfume-laden mist…

I worry what would happen, with age and moisture, if, deep in its little binary potty brain, it suffered the delusion that it was one of those violent computer games, where it must fight its enemy – that would be me and my perfumed fanny – to the death?

I’d sit down, do what I came to do, push the button, and WHAM! I’d be hanging from the shower rod while the porcelain pugilist waves its washer arm over its head, waiting for someone to hand it a trophy.

Well, that hasn’t happened to anybody, so far as I know.

But get this headline from the BBC news service:

Japan’s leading toilet manufacturer Toto is offering free repairs to 180,000 toilets after some of them caught fire.

The BBC reported that there have been three cases in which the device caught fire. A company spokeswoman said that no one has been injured so far.

“The fire would have been just under your buttocks,” she added, helpfully.

Toasted buns.

Well, the advertising promised an “experience beyond words.”

Printable ones, anyway.


© 2007 Marsh Creek Media,

Gettysburg, Pa.

“Burger to Go” is a product of me and my company, Marsh Creek Media and, as such, I am solely responsible for its content.


One Response to “Hey, Toto…THAT’S NOT KANSAS!”

  1. Andrea said

    Gosh, Terry, it was easy to see you as a clown, but the visual of your “nether parts” igniting over the pot, well, that’s quite the picture!

    Don’t know that I’ll be able to look across the room at you in the same way! I hope your next column will describe you in a more genteel (if not manly) way. Might I suggest a ranch setting (at Sundance, perhaps with Robert Redford) … or a sweaty, working in the yard thing .. or a romp with some hotties … 🙂

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